For I Have Sinned
by Another Tangerine
Summary: The Scarlet Letter. Excerpts from the Journal of Reverend Arthur Dimmesdale, so that one may better understand his descent into iniquity.


**Disclaimer: **I do not own The Scarlet Letter. It is the classic work of Nathaniel Hawthorne. Not me.

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**September 11, 1634**

I have finally arrived in Boston, where I will now take up residence. I can only hope that one day the people here will look up to me and accept me as one of their own. I have studied for years upon years to achieve the position that I have been promised here. I can only hope that I do not lead my soon to be flock astray. Would that the town of Boston was not so severe…

I almost find myself missing London.

**June 14, 1639**

I am no longer the newest inhabitant of this harsh, little town. A woman by the name of Hester Prynne arrived today. She has come to Boston ahead of her husband so that she may prepare a home for the two of them. She seems wearied from her journey but hopeful for the new life ahead of her. Of course, I must take an interest in her well being. She is to be one of my flock. Her soul is now in my care.

I will pray for her husband's safe arrival.

**August 17, 1639**

Hester is truly a wonderful woman. Her beauty is only eclipsed by that of the angels above us. She has set up as a seamstress and has already made a name for herself. Her work is delicate and impeccable. She truly has a gift with the needle.

Her husband is truly a lucky man.

**December 3, 1639**

Hester has confided in me that she fears that her husband is dead. He was scheduled to arrive only two months after she had. It has been six. The journey across the sea from England is perilous. Hester and I both know that it is likely that he is resting at the bottom of the ocean. Hester is a strong woman not to be weighed down by her grief.

**February 23, 1640**

I count Hester as my closest friend. We often speak to each other, usually of trivial matters. Even so, I cherish every conversation. Hester's smile brightens my day without fail, save on the ever-sunny Sabbath.

**May 8, 1640**

The dinner cooked by Hester this past eve was possibly the best of the meals we have shared thus far. Though we have often supped together, we had never before shared dessert. I shudder to think of what Reverend Wilson would say at finding out that we had eaten sweets. And together, no less! It is a sin, I am sure.

But the apple pie that I shared with Hester would certainly be worth his disapproval.

**June 7, 1640**

I have sinned.

**June 10, 1640**

I fear for the repercussions of our lapse in judgment. Hester says that our tryst was born of love and that no ill could possibly come of it, but…

I am afraid.

It shames me to admit it, but it was the second most joyous event of my life. Being second only to giving my life over to the Lord. And it was a sin.

I am damned.

**August 15, 1640**

Hester came to me today. I have been avoiding her and she has not pushed the issue. She looked pale and ill and I could not help but be concerned for her. (I would be concerned if any of my flock were to fall sick.) She started to say something but shook her head and all but fled from my presence.

I wonder what could possibly be wrong?

**August 22, 1640**

If only I could take back my words from before! I have no wish to know what plagues my sweet Hester. This knowledge burns me and sits in my chest like lead. I pray that this is merely a false alarm. Even so, I know in my heart it is true.

Hester is pregnant.

That which should be a blessing is a curse.

**December 23, 1640**

Hester stood before the entire congregation today and announced her pregnancy. Oh, her bravery is astounding! I should hate her for leading me astray, but I find myself loving her more. Several of the women had already been suspicious and let their scorn be known instantly. Everyone else reacted expediently after that. They have placed Hester in prison. It was physically painful to watch them take her away, like my heart was being ripped from my chest to leave a gaping hole in its place. They could put her to death.

I would be guilty of murder.

**February 13, 1641**

Praise be! They have decided to let Hester live! She will be punished daily in the form of a scarlet letter _A_ upon her bosom. Adulteress. But she will live. Yet I cannot help but wonder if we will find later on that death might have been the more merciful choice.

**March 6, 1641**

Hester has given birth to a healthy baby girl. I wish that I had been there to be a proud father rather than to bless the baby (my child!), as it is my station to do. Were that I was not so weak! The sweet little girl has been aptly named Pearl. Hester looked proud and defiant as she clutched her – no, our! – infant to her chest. Even wearied and in pain from childbirth, she is every bit the beautiful woman I fell in love with. How I wish I had the courage to take my place beside her.

**June 3, 1641**

Hester left the prison today. She walked like a queen to her throne rather than a sinner to her damnation. The scarlet letter that adorned her glittered with gold thread, and I might have smiled at her defiance if it were not such a symbol of sin and pain. I begged her - she with the courage to stand forth! – to reveal my part in this scandal, for I have not the strength to do so myself. She said that she wishes to bear my agony as well as her own. Oh, how my heart clenched at those kind, accursed words!

Even as Hester bears up strongly, I fear that my own strength leaves me under the pressure of my soul's torment.

**June 4, 1641**

A man arrived yesterday (Oh, woeful day!) but I had not had a chance to meet him until this morning. It is divine providence that as I find myself falling ill, a learned doctor should arrive! His name is Roger Chillingworth. I am not yet so desperate as to need his services, but it is pleasant to see that God's hand has guided him here. He is going to take up residence in our town.

**September 18, 1643**

I have given in to the demands of my flock and have taken residence in the same home with Roger Chillingworth. As I watch my daughter grow and flourish from afar, my own form deteriorates. I am utterly a pollution and a lie. My flock sees my form reflect the atrocity of my sin and cannot see it for what it truly is! Even as I try to tell them this, they revere me! Woe…

**May 22, 1644**

There has been talk for some time now of taking sweet Pearl away from her mother. I have done my best to avoid listening to this, but Roger has taken a keen interest in it.

**May 27, 1644**

Oh, how my hands tremble!

Hester was at Governor Bellingham's home today with Pearl. I vouched for Hester, and at the utterance of my words, Pearl is allowed to remain with her mother. How I long and fear to take up my proper place…

I had been feeling better, but with the excitement of today…

**May 3, 1648**

What an eternal torment my life has become! I fear I am only alive due to the dutiful work of Roger, and the glimpses I have been blessed with of what is left of my heart. I feel that a black shroud has surrounded my home. I can barely stand to sit here! In fact, I shall leave now!

**May 4, 1648**

Oh sweet heart, how you torment me so! My feet guided me this past eve with inexorable force to the scaffold upon which Hester once bore her public ignominy! Who but my dear Hester and Pearl should find me upon the scaffold and join me! With my hand clasped in that of my little one, I felt a moment of peace. But only a moment. Sweet Pearl asked me to stand with her and her mother at noontide. How could I tell her that I do not have the strength to do this? Alas, Roger found us there and took it for me having walked there in my sleep! My relief was stymied though, by the glint I caught in his eyes. I fear he knows my secret pain or has, at the least, guessed close to the truth. What might become of me?

**July 26, 1648**

What pain I have endured these past days! And alas, what joy as well! I was on my way home after visiting Apostle Eliot when Hester stopped me in the forest. The horrifying truth she told me! The man who has been preserving my life these past years, the one whom I had trusted with my very life, a lie! Not Chillingworth, but Prynne! He is the husband of the woman that still holds my heart in her kind hands. I cannot help but forgive her for withholding this from me, especially now that we have made plans. We plan to escape to Europe together. Upon the completion of our planning, Hester – Beautiful Hester! – took from her bosom that searing letter and flung it upon the forest floor. She removed her bonnet, and before me stood the woman that I had known seven long years ago. Wonder of wonders!

Pearl was not overly receptive of my presence and her mother's transfiguration, to say the least. I will not allow that to deter what joy I have gleaned.

Europe!

**July 27, 1648**

It should not have given me such pleasure to deny Chillingworth. Yet it gave me a heady rush of satisfaction. I am sure that he knows that I am aware of his identity. He will not blacken my last days in Boston, though! I will give my speech on Election Day, and we will leave these shores, never to return!


End file.
